If this isn’t the best blog post ever, it is at least the best one of the night. Thanks Chivaz supporter Ed Casey for taking the time write to really explain how to make a proper taco.
Obviously my step by step guide to waffles was extremely helpful so the next logical step is to help you better appreciate one of nature’s greatest gifts: Tacos.
So without further ado, I present this helpful guide to a successful taco night in just a few easy to follow steps. WE RIDE!
- Go the store and buy all your taco stuff. Or use one of those newfangled “MY LIFE IS SOOOOOO BUSY I DON’T EVEN HAVE TIME TO GROCERY SHOP” bullshit apps to have someone do your shopping for you. Seriously? You’re THAT fucking busy? Come on.
- Don’t forget the orange powdered taco seasoning stuff. Buy two because they’re usually 2 for 1 on the Safeway Club Card even though you already have one at home from the last time you bought them on a 2 for 1 deal. This cycle will repeat itself for the rest of your life.
- Reflect briefly on your ex who swore up and down that some taco seasoning you could only get in her hometown was the best ever. Feel a slight twinge of guilt about when you lied and agreed with her that it was the best even though you secretly liked the orange stuff better.
- Buy the rest of your taco stuff. Let your conscience be your guide here. You want steak? Get steak? Veggie tacos? Do your thing. You want frozen corndogs that you’ll thaw out, heat up, remove the stick, slice up and put in a taco? That’s kinda weird, but fuck it that’s probably what they told that guy who invented those Korean tacos or whatever. Follow your bliss.
- Tell yourself that since you’re carrying a couple bags of groceries it’s totally ok to take Muni home instead of walking. God you’re lazy.
- Get home. Put groceries away. Wonder if tortillas should go in the fridge or not. I mean they’re not refrigerated at the store, but mom always put them in the fridge when you were growing up. Life is confusing.
- Fuck around on the internet or watch TV or read some comics or take a nap or something. What am I, your life coach?
- Realize you should’ve started making dinner like an hour ago. Enjoy eating dinner at like 10PM. Idiot.
- Start drinking.
- Take all the taco stuff out of the fridge. All of it. Even though your kitchen is stupid small and cluttered so there’s really nowhere to put it all, but just make it work ok. You’re a VISUAL person and you need to see what you’re working with or you’re going to forget something.
- Continue drinking.
- Fuck around on the internet or watch TV or something. Real important stuff. Way to stay on task, asshole.
- Continue drinking. Escalate from beer to maybe some whiskey. If you want you can go all in and mix up some margaritas, but that’s some weekend shit and it’s a school night and besides you don’t even have any tequila because who keep tequila in the house? You buy tequila when you want margaritas and then drink it all and then wish you hadn’t and then you don’t buy it again until the next time you want margaritas. Stick to what you know.
- Hey remember all that taco stuff you took out of the fridge like an hour ago? Well for SOME reason it hasn’t magically made itself into a taco dinner yet. Get to work.
- Start browning the meat. Ooooh look at Mr. Rockefeller over there making steak or whatever. I’m using ground beef. I’m cooking it in a skillet. If you need more direction than that maybe you haven’t figured out that this isn’t a very serious cooking guide. Sorry, bro. Suck it up and try to stay with group.
- Set the burner pretty low because once you start cooking the meat you realize that there’s a bunch of shit you should’ve done first like heat the beans, grate cheese, cut up veggies, etc so now you’re kind of trying to drag your feet on this whole meat situation. You’ve pretty much NEVER prepared a meal where everything was done and ready to hit the plate all at the same time so why start now, but try to keep it CLOSE y’know?
- Realize you forgot to get something at the store. Usually it’s like beans or sour cream or some bullshit that, ok, isn’t SUPER essential and you could probably do without, but goddammit it’s taco night so let’s try to do things as close to properly as we can.
- Run to the little corner store and overpay for whatever it was you forgot. Leave the meat on the burner because you’re a fucking idiot.
- You’re harried and sweaty, you just threw on some nerd shirt or a grubby-ass hoodie to run across the street, you’re wearing shorts (SHORTS!) and you smell mildly of half cooked taco meat so naturally you share the elevator back upstairs with your attractive neighbor. Awesome.
- Obsess about that embarrassing moment pretty much for the rest of your life because you are WILDLY insecure and die inside a little bit from shame.
- Return to your miraculously not on fire apartment. Continue drinking.
- Make guacamole. Really? You’re going to use store bought guacamole or not even make guacamole for taco night? Enjoy your dumb shitty life full of poor decisions I guess.
- I apologize. That was kind of harsh. Taco night should be a judgment free zone.
- Cut up onions and tomatoes and whatever other veggie stuff you’re working with. Bell peppers? Is it called “fajita night?” I didn’t think so… get that shit outta here. Grate cheese. Pop the lids on the salsa, sour cream, heat up the beans etc. Shouldn’t these be separate steps? I mean for fuck’s sake you have like three different steps just about picking out the packet of prepackaged taco seasoning. Hey, good tip. Add “my editor” to the list of things you’re not. Nitpicky motherfucker.
- Rub your eyes because they’re watering from the onions and then remember that you de-seeded some jalapenos earlier.
- Yelp in pain. Curse the gods. Generally hate everything and everyone on planet earth and beyond.
- Eat like half the bowl of guacamole while you’re doing other stuff. You can lie here and tell us you’re eating it exclusively with chips, but c’mon at least once you just dig into the bowl with a spoon. Call it a “taste test” or whatever, but you’re eating guacamole straight from the bowl with a spoon. Good for you. That shit’s goooooood, right?
- Make a quesadilla. Whoa waitaminute… I thought we were making tacos? We are, we are and we’ll get to that, but you’re about half drunk by now and despite plowing through half a bowl of guacamole you’re HUNGRY so you’re making a quesadilla. Isn’t that basically a separate meal that you’re making WHILE you’re making the original meal? Hey look where do you find quesadillas on most menus? In the APPETIZER section, right? And as I understand it an APPETIZER is something you eat before your main entrée. Lay off me.
- Continue drinking.
- Eat the quesadilla. It’s really fucking good, you guys. Salsa, sour cream, a variety of hot sauces… There’s a lot going on here and you love every second of it.
- Season the meat and do that whole thing. Smile at the weird, totally unnatural orange-y color of the taco seasoning. That’s a little bit of your childhood right there. Remember taco night when you were a kid? It was always a favorite. Mom would put all the fixings in separate little bowls and then you’d make your own taco. It was all very neat and tidy. She was good at that. Taco night was fun.
- Look around at the wreckage that is your kitchen and really your whole life and sort of wonder where you went wrong.
- Warm up the tortillas.
- Pile a bunch of taco stuff into the tortilla. Too much stuff, really. This is basically a burrito now… Whatever, just go with it.
- DEVOUR THAT THING LIKE YOU HAVEN’T EATEN IN DAYS EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST ATE A WHOLE QUESADILLA SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?
- Repeat steps 34 and 35 as many times as necessary.
- Realize you repeated steps 34 and 35 one too many times.
- Fall asleep watching Chuck or Supernatural or some other dumb bullshit show on Netflix that you watch as a substitute for a social life or feelings or being productive or whatever.
- Wake up. Everything smells like tacos. Thankfully drunk you of the past actually turned off all the burners.
- Groggily put away the leftovers.
- Get really angry about bullshit Tupperware and bullshit Tupperware lids that don’t fucking match WHY DON’T THEY EVER MATCH WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TWO DIFFERENT SIZES/SHAPES/BRANDS/WHATEVER THE FUCK OF TUPPERWARE!?!?!
- Pile all the pots, pans, and dishes in one big “fuck it” pile in the sink. That’s a problem for Future You to deal with.
- Mentally prepare for tomorrow. Tomorrow is nacho night.
BONUS STEP: Listen to Issues.